


(We've Got) Obsessions

by gleeficarchivepseud (andyetilienot)



Category: Glee
Genre: Blangst, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, implied depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:05:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4334954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andyetilienot/pseuds/gleeficarchivepseud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loosely reaction fic to "Tested", loosely inspired by "Obsessions" by Marina and the Diamonds (which is where the title comes from). Originally posted <a href="http://andyetilienot.tumblr.com/post/84992504499">here</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(We've Got) Obsessions

He wakes up to the Sunday morning sunlight in his face. Waking feels like falling overboard into a sea of  _too much_ , the sun too bright the air too cold the bed too big himself too aware of it all. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut until shapes dance in his eyelids and lets out half of a moan before he stops himself, remembers that Kurt is still asleep next to him. 

Kurt.

Blaine blinks his eyes open and even though he knows there isn’t really any reason to expect otherwise, he’s relieved that Kurt is the first thing he sees. Kurt’s still asleep, and Blaine has to fight back his first thought that that maybe Kurt is still there because he hasn’t been awake to leave already. He knows he shouldn’t think that way, that Kurt loves him and that he really does want to be around Blaine, but still…

But still there’s empty space in the bed between their bodies and he’s afraid that Kurt wants to be as far away from him as possible, even if it’s just on a subconscious level.

He buries his face in his pillow and huffs out a little breath into it and tries to will the tension from his body. It takes a few hot, muffled breaths before he can look back at Kurt without feeling like he’s going to fall apart (too much why does he always worry  _too much_?).

Kurt’s face is turned toward him. His mouth is open slightly, his eyes gently closed, and everything about his face is a perfect picture of relaxation. Once, Blaine might have been tempted to think that Kurt looked vulnerable like this. But now he finds his eyes drawn to Kurt’s arm where it rests on top of the covers, his muscles so clearly defined even when they’re lax from sleep. He forces himself to just look, to avoid comparing his arms (not as strong as they once were so much weaker than Kurt’s  _goddammit_ ) to Kurt’s, and eventually his gaze catches on the ring glinting on Kurt’s hand.

Without thinking about it, he reaches out to run a finger over the metal, like somehow that might make him truly believe that ring means everything they say it does.

“G’morning.”

Blaine pulls his hand back. Somehow he didn’t quite realize that touching Kurt might wake him up.

But Kurt smiles and moves closer to Blaine. He runs a hand along Blaine’s arm in a way that might even be called reverent (and  _god_  how Blaine pleads with himself to see it that way) until he laces their fingers together. It sends Blaine’s heart racing.

Kurt moves closer and Blaine folds himself into his arms. He nuzzles against Kurt’s neck and breathes the safe, familiar scent of him. He kind of hates that he feels more and more like he’s the one being protected in their relationship, but no matter how it makes him feel about himself he’ll always love the safe feeling of being in Kurt’s arms.

“You okay?”

Blaine pulls back. Kurt’s eyes are soft with sleep and unmistakeable love. He wants to cry, wants to say  _I will be_ , but all that comes out is a weak “Yeah.”

He folds up into Kurt’s arms again.

—

“I’m not sure,” Blaine says one day, out of nowhere, “if it was really about wanting to protect you or if I just wanted to be needed.”

Kurt doesn’t say anything, just meets Blaine’s eyes and flashes a smile that probably means he understands. Blaine can’t help feeling that it might be more of a grimace.

(He wishes he could make his doubts just go away by wanting it.)

—

“I started seeing a therapist.”

Blaine looks up from his dinner, tries not to panic. “Oh?”

“I went because something you said made me feel like I might have had some unresolved issues from getting attacked that night or something," Kurt says, eyes locked on Blaine’s in a way that should be comforting but that feels almost too intense. Blaine looks back to his food and pokes at it with his fork, suddenly not hungry, as Kurt keeps talking.

"But when I mentioned that it was because of you, I just started talking about everything that’s been going on with us. I just started realizing so many things led to the issues we’ve been having and I didn’t know how to deal with that without some sort of outside support. I want to deal with this, I really do. You matter too much to me to let things get out of control. Or maybe at this point we just have to keep them from getting more out of control, I don’t know.

"Anyway, where I’m really going with this is that I think it’s going to help me a lot and I think you should see someone, too. And maybe we should even see someone together.” Blaine still stares blankly at his plate. It’s going out of focus and he can’t tell if he’s glazing over or…

“Blaine, honey, are you okay?”

He looks up, and yes, he was starting to cry and the tears are falling now. “I love you so much.” Kurt gets up and circles the table, crouches down and holds Blaine to his chest. Blaine chokes out a little sob, buries his face against Kurt’s shoulder. “I just wish I could love myself half as much as I love you.”

—

It’s been happening a lot lately when he’s around Kurt. He finds himself feeling disconnected, his mind wandering down that familiar path of  _how does he really feel about me?_  It will happen at any time, whether during a date or even when they’re just walking down the street together.

This is the first time it’s happened during sex, though, and he’s terrified. One moment he’d been able to enjoy the physical pleasure, the feeling of Kurt on top of him and inside of him (gorgeous, strong, perfect Kurt,  _god_ ), but now he feels cold panic bubbling up in his chest. Kurt’s face is pressed against the crook of Blaine’s neck, so Blaine can’t read his expression as he fucks into Blaine’s body.

After what feels like an eternity of icy terror but might have been a second, Kurt stills, raises up to see Blaine’s face, asks “Blaine, what’s wrong?” Blaine’s throat is frozen, he can’t respond, doesn’t make a sound, doesn’t even move. Kurt starts to pull out, eyes wide, apologies pouring out of his mouth.

“No, please, stay.” His legs wrap around Kurt and pull him closer, deeper. “Please, Kurt, I need you.”

He forces his words out around a sob, and barely manages a tiny “oh  _fuck_ “ when he starts to cry because he just knows that Kurt’s going to think he did something wrong and he’ll leave and it will all be Blaine’s fault, it’s always his fault—

"Blaine, sweetie, is something wrong? Am I hurting you?”

Kurt’s voice is edged with something that Blaine desperately hopes is concern but so, so gentle, and somehow Blaine focuses on his face. And when he does, it’s so full of love that he sobs again (because  _god_ , how could he have ever doubted that Kurt loves him?). He wants to tell him everything, to explain all of the worries that have been plaguing him, but he can’t find the words to do that, can’t find any words but “I need you.”

So he says it again and again. Kurt seems to understand at least a little of what Blaine can’t explain. He cups Blaine’s face in his hands and brushes away some of his tears, then leans down and kisses Blaine in a way that can only be called  _loving_.

“I love you,” he breathes against Blaine’s lips before kissing him again. Blaine whimpers into the kiss as Kurt grinds his hips forward, slower than before and yet somehow more.

By the time he comes, Blaine’s tears are mostly from pleasure.

—

“I can hear you thinking.” Blaine jumps a little at the sudden interruption of the silence. Kurt’s staring at him with a bemused expression.

“Sorry, was I saying it out loud?”

“No, I just meant figuratively.”

“Oh.”

Kurt’s hand floats along Blaine’s side, coming up to cradle his neck. Blaine whimpers and presses into it. “What’s bothering you?”

Blaine squeezes his eyes shut, breathes deeply. He thinks about trying to convince Kurt that it’s nothing. He wants to say that it doesn’t matter, because it shouldn’t matter, he shouldn’t be thinking and feeling these things.

But he’s still too loose and open from the sex and Kurt is so tender and concerned so he tells Kurt anyway. He tells him about his constant worries that Kurt doesn’t want him around anymore, about how he’s so afraid that Kurt might not love him anymore, about how it terrifies him that he still needs Kurt so much.

And Kurt listens, his fingers stroking the hair at the back of Blaine’s neck. He stays silent for a few moments after Blaine finishes, his eyes focused somewhere around Blaine’s collarbones.

“Kurt?” The panic is welling up inside of him again. He shouldn’t have told Kurt about all of his insecurities, he should have just acted like nothing was wrong, because Kurt probably hates him or pities him now…

“Thank you.” Blaine doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry. God, why is he always so  _stupid_? “I know it won’t stop you from worrying, but I love you. I’ll always love you.”

He isn’t even aware that he’s started crying until a tear slides down his face. He nuzzles into Kurt’s shoulder and Kurt’s voice is shaking a little too as he continues.

“And I’ll always be here for you when you need me, okay? Always. I’ll even be here when you stop needing me, too. Like you were for me.”

—

He wakes up again to the Sunday morning sunlight.

This time, though, Kurt’s already awake and ready with a warm smile when he feels Blaine stir in his arms.

“Good morning. You okay?”

“Yeah,” Blaine replies, snuggling closer to Kurt. “You know, I really think I am.”


End file.
